Joe and Marcy

It's hard to admit how much I have allowed "life" to get in the way of my keeping up with this journey that I have committed to.  A sick child, a new car.......busy, busy, busy.  And, my weigh-in reflected where I have placed my weight loss journey on my list of priorities.  I will post our last two weigh-in results tomorrow but, for now, I just have to stop myself and re-prioritize everything that I have going on.  On last night's episode of Biggest Loser, Jackie was right on the money with something she said during the update of her progress at the end of the show.  She said that she has a lot more to give to others when she is taking care of herself.  How right she is - I need to learn from her example.  I am now exactly one week away from "D-day" (my 40th birthday) and it's a very good time to reflect on the changes I need to make in my life.  This week I am going to commit to refocusing myself on my weight loss goals and what I need to do to acheive them.

I can't believe it's been a week since my last blog, but the creepy crud has hit our household and I was the last to get it.  Being sick has it's advantages, though.  When I weighed in this morning, I was optomistic that there would at least be a small loss, but without any exercise to speak of, I didn't expect more than a pound or two.  I was so happy to see that I had lost 3.6 pounds, which brings my total to almost 12 pounds for the month of January.  Even though I haven't been as diligent as I would like in keeping up with our space, one thing that has helped me during so many times that I have felt discourages is the wonderful, encouraging comments from others who have felt the sames things that I am feeling.  I am so grateful for everyone who has offered encouragement and I hope to stay healthy so that I can take the time to return the favor.  I can already see so many benefits from taking this journey.  I know that I already feel better and I am optomistic because I know that it will only get better.  I see the benefits for my friends and family because of positive choices we are making.  I see the same positive steps being taken by other family members and, together, we are all setting an example for the other important people in our lives - especially our children.  I hope that everyone is having a great week and that I get a chance to check in with people as the week progresses.  Good luck, everyone!

Usually I have a lot to say by the time I sit down to do a blog.  The results I saw on the scale today, however, have caused me to feel so discouraged that I don't really know what to say.  I have planned to reward myself for every ten pounds lost.  For my first ten pounds, I was planning on a long, hot, uninterupted bubble bath.  After my weigh-in last week, I thought I would be guaranteed to go past that first ten pound mark - I was less than a pound away.  I even bought myself some fancy bath lotion - something I never splurge on.  I almost cried when I saw that I had actually gained about a pound and a half.  Sure, I had a few moments of weakness this last week where I could have made better choices, but I didn't go completely overboard.  I would have understood if I only lost a pound or two instead of my usual 4+, but a gain was completely unexpected.  My first thought was to give up, but I very quickly reminded myself of all of the other people who have already written blogs about going through this very same thing - including my sister who is also participating in the contest - and I remembered the positive choices I've seen people make.  So, I decided that I can do it too.  I can choose to learn from this week and go forward with good choices instead of giving up and regretting this missed opportunity.  I also had support from my sister and my husband immediately after I shared my results with them.  The support makes so much difference.  I am very happy for Joe this week, though.  He had good results on the scale and I'm glad for that.  Anyway, I plan to work harder this week and be much more careful about my food choices.  We'll see what happens next week!

One of the things that I will absolutely not miss about being overweight is being treated differently because of it.  I know that I have addressed this issue in previous blogs, but I had another experience today that - painfully - reminded me that it happens.  I had a conversation - or tried to, anyway - with someone who plays a very important part in my daughter's life.  Because of the role that this person has in my daughter's life, it is very important to me that I also have a good relationship with this person.  I have wondered why this person seems to treat me differently than others I have seen her interact with, and I have finally realized that the only thing I have in common with other people she has shown indifference toward, is my weight.  This person has never been outright rude to me, but there is a definite difference between how friendly she is towards other people and myself and, through some observations I was able to make today, I finally had to face the truth as to why there is a difference.  Sure, it's easy to say that people who judge me because of my outward appearance are just showing their ignorance, but the bottom line is that it hurts.  It hurt my feelings today when my attempts at making conversation were barely tolerated or when I saw this person and her thin friends whispering to each other as they stared in my direction.  And, while I won't miss being treated this way after I lose the weight, I know that it will be virtually impossible for me to forget some of my experiences as a fat person - I will always wonder if people I meet as a thin person would have liked me the way I look now.  Reality checks are painful sometimes, but I am going to choose to look at this experience - and how it made me feel - as further incentive to continue this journey and do whatever I have to so that I will succeed. 

I would like to emphasize again how tough weekends are.  I blew it tonight and I feel terrible about it - especially when I compare how I feel right now to how I felt at this time last night after making good choices.  The food wasn't worth it.  I didn't go on an all out binge, but we went to a friend's house for dinner.  This friend is a size 6 and can afford to eat things that I should be avoiding right now.  I'm not a big sweets person - I know that makes me a little abnormal.  No, my weaknesses are breads and things like that.  When we entered the house, we were immediately hit with the inviting smell of homemade spaghetti sauce, meatballs, butter-laden garlic bread - you name it.  There was also a cheese and cracker appetizer plate sitting on the counter that seemed to have my name written all over it.  I did pretty well with the portions during dinner - except for an extra helping of garlic bread - and I had already volunteered to bring the dessert so that I could control the fat and calorie content of what could have been a disasterous temptation.  Where I blew it was with that cheese and cracker tray.  I probably didn't blow it enough to make a huge difference on the scale, but where my poor choices have already made a difference is with how I feel about myself right now.  How can food have such a powerful effect on us?  What is it about certain foods that make it seem impossible to resist them?  I'll be the first to admit that I am an emotional eater but, comparitively speaking, we currently have much less stress than we've had in a very long time so I am not experiencing the level of stress that it usually takes to send me running for the comfort food.  I suppose that if I fully understood the reasons behind my eating patterns I could write a book about it, make millions and single-handedly solve the obesity epidemic happening here in America.  As it stands, however, I have no idea why I overeat sometimes.  I am just grateful that I am able to control my food choices most of the time these days and that I am making progress. 

Weekends are tough!  We have barely begun this weekend and we had to already face our first unexpected temptation with food.  We were out with friends when it was suggested that we go to a local restaurant known for their delicious - and extremely fattening - milkshakes.  That's in addition to their mouthwatering burgers and one of my all time weaknesses - french fries.  So, while our friends sat there and ate all the things that I so desperately wanted to.........Joe and I stuck to our eating plan!  He had a salad and  diet soda and I had a cup of vegetable soup and a diet soda.  While I am proud of the choices we made - especially in the midst of such strong temptation - I am not going to lie and say that it was easy.  I really had to keep reminding myself that the food isn't worth it - not even the cookie dough shakes.  As hard as it was, I have to admit that we were still able to thoroughly enjoy ourselves by concentrating on the conversation with our friends rather than what we were missing out on.  The whole experience helped to give me even more confidence in our ability to stay committed to the changes we are making so that we can live more healthy, productive lives.  And, once again, one of the best things about tonight was that we were able to show our daughter yet another example of the type of choices we should be making.  Every second that I had to white-knuckle it tonight in order to not give in to temptation was worth it so that I could feel the way that I do right now - proud of both Joe and I and confident that we will succeed in this journey!

The weekend is almost here and I am starting to get a little anxious.  I always worry about the weekends because it's so much harder to adhere to any type of schedule.  Planning ahead is getting easier as time goes on and we do keep each other in check when unexpected events take place, but it's always more of a challenge than weekdays.  Some added incentive at this point, however, is that the results I am seeing on the scale remind me that it's all worth it.  This weekend we have a lot of things to accomplish but I think we can plan around meal times so that we don't find ourselves in unexpected territory.  There isn't anything that we have to do this weekend that is more important than our commitment to a healthier lifestyle - we just need to keep reminding ourselves of that.  We can do it!

It just so happens that today is exactly four weeks before "D-day".  For those of you who don't know what I am talking about, I am referring to my 40th birthday.  One of my reasons for joining this challenge is that I want to be in better shape for my 40's than I was for my 30's.  I didn't really become seriously overweight until I became pregnant with our daughter - she was born when I was 31.  It wasn't that I ate any healthier before that and I am not going to blame the weight gain on my increasing age.  The truth is that before marriage and a child, I was much more active.  I was one of those lucky people who could live on fast food and sodas and not gain much weight.  When I think back to what my life was like in order to be able to eat like that and not have it be so obvious to the world, I feel fortunate to not have that life anymore.  The schedule I kept would kill me now.  When I was in high school, I discovered the wonders of exercise.  The only problem was that I lacked the good judgement to keep my exercise schedule to a healthy balance.  I remember going to at least one - sometimes two - advanced aerobics classes A DAY!  If any of you out there are willing to admit that you remember the 80's, you know that 80's aerobics was intense.  On top of those classes, I ran 2 - 3 miles on most days and taught TaeKwon-Do at my father's gym.  Many times on the weekends I would spend an entire day bicycling or hiking with friends.  I grew up in Colorado where opportunities like that were all around me.  Then, you can add to all of that activity school and a job.  Whew!

 

Then came the military.  On an impulse - remember, I was a teenager - I joined the Air Force when I was nineteen.  I left for basic training weighing 120 pounds.  Now, for any of you who have served in the military, you know that drill instructors are paid to belittle you.  There was one drill instructor in particular who knew exactly where to hurt us girls.  She focused her insults towards us on our looks.  For me, she decided that "fatso" was going to be my nickname for the duration of basic training.  She would scream her pet name at me in front of our squad constantly and humiliate me in the chow hall by loudly analyzing what I had on my plate at every meal.  Did I mention that I only weighed 120 pounds?  That was the first time I really thought about how important it was to me how my body looked.  It became an obsession after that.

 

After the military came long hours at work, which cut down on the amount of time that I could excessively exercise.  Instead, I started experimenting with dangerous eating plans and sometimes even starving myself.  Since there were always quite a few other women in places that I worked, I never lacked company in my quest to stay thin.  How sad it all was.

 

So, you see - while it may seem strange that I would say that I'm glad to not still be that thin person who could eat almost anything, in almost any quantity, that I wanted - you can probably understand why I would never want to go back to the ridiculously unhealthy choices I was making.  I still haven't reached a point where I can honestly say that I am grateful for being fat (I'm not crazy!), I have come to a place where I am grateful for the lessons that I have learned and how they make me a better person who makes better choices.  I have learned that my health is a gift and I should treat it with respect.  I have also learned to be be accepting of others no matter what their outward appearance may be.  I am ashamed to think of some of the judgemental thoughts that used to cross my mind whenever I saw someone who was overweight.  I thank God that I can now see how wrong I was.

 

On a lighter note - pun intended - I am thrilled with my weigh-in results today.  I was a little more than worried about what I was going to see on the scale because I have struggled so much with my exercising commitment, so I was feeling like I won the lottery when I saw that I had lost over 5 pounds!  Today is a very good day!

 

Good luck to everyone for the rest of the week!  We can do it!

I love Tuesday nights!  Every week I look forward to watching the Biggest Loser because, inevitably, there will be someone who I relate to, or someone who inspires me and I always learn something.  This week, their weigh-in was an amazing come back from last week.  It gives me hope that mine will also be good tomorrow.  I also watched so many of the contestants push themselves beyond what they thought they could do and I can look to them as an example.  I especially love Betty Sue's drive when it comes to exercising long after she wanted to stop.  If all of those people can do it, so can I.  I still can't honestly say that I am looking forward to our weigh-in tomorrow, but at least I'm not dreading it.  I know that - good or bad - next week is another week and there is no excuse to give up.

 

I know that I have said this before, but I really appreciate all of the support that we receive from our new friends that we have met on this journey.  I sincerely hope that the end of this contest does not mean the end of our connections to each other.  I would love to see this community that we have all created continue on until we have all successfully reached the goals that we have set for ourselves and beyond.  We can do it!!!!!!

Yesterday I mentioned in my blog that I like the fact that the nutritional tips from the Biggest Loser don't require the usual "all or nothing" attitude that most diets do.  I realized today, however, that I am still stuck in that attitude when it comes to exercise.  I've really been struggling with consistancy with my work-outs and I now see that it is mostly because I am such a perfectionist that if I can't do it perfect, I don't do it at all.  In my head I have visions of myself working out for hours each day and keeping up with the pace of the contestants on the Biggest Loser.  While logic tells me that is unrealistic, I am finding myself discouraged if I don't meet that unrealistic expectation.  Consequently, if I have 30 minutes to exercise, I am less willing to use that 30 minutes wisely because I feel like I'm not doing it "right" if I don't exercise for an hour or more.  The good news is that, since knowing is half the battle, I am already on my way to overcoming my perfectionism so that I can be as consistant with my exercise as I have been with my food.

 

I am really looking forward to tomorrow night's episode of Biggest Loser.  Since our weigh-ins fall on Wednesday mornings, watching Biggest Loser the night before provides a boost in our motivation and reminds us why we are on this journey.  Have a great day, everyone!